help the problems of creation of my story?

I try to describe the hero is asleep to relax and escape reality with a sleep. I’m trying to do, that seems to sleep, but Sametime symbols between good and evil. When the beast of the animals, the protagonist is out of danger and told him to wake up .. The evacuation plan does not work .. the protagonist was trying to sleep more, but could not .. this beast is a good hard asset .. This is the phrase I wrote: “All flights, the darkness was controlled lightness, and escape from reality. “Not so, my daughter. It’s time to get up.” A beast came from the surrounding pines. A cracked voice in my head in my ears frozen, the evacuation plan has not really worked. The darkness was destroyed by one vote, and then was overwhelmed by the lightness. “What that means something?

Some suggestions … You have a beautiful poem fell to his phrasing, but the syntax is a little weird. Without trying to change direction also, how is it? “Peace is problematic. The darkness was controlled by light, I tried to hold on to the escape of sleep” Not all do. Yes, my daughter. It time to wake up. “A beast came to the pines that surround it.” The voice in my head cracks in my ears, the reality did not escape the voice worked. brought light and darkness was destroyed. “

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